Drunk Voicemails

So on Saturday I became quite inebriated and left my girlfriend Stephanie some lovely voice mails. Here are the ones she saved...

"I'm too drunk for pants." 4pm

"I'm trying to put pants on but I fell over and hurt my elbow and then I tried to put them on again and I, I hit my head and I'm apologizing because I'm too drunk to put on pants and I know I'm embarrassing, but I miss you and I'm sorry I'm too, I tried to put on pants but I can't, I love you" 7pm

"Hunny, there was this fat bitch you missed it, so there was this fat bitch, and she was gross, and I told her she was ugly, and she tried to grope me, and I was like YOU'RE A FAT BITCH, and I hit her with my butt, like a booty slam, and she fell down the stairs and I ran" 10pm

"Oh my god they're worse than cancer" 10:30pm

Not only do I not remember leaving these, but I remember none of said events occurring...