Condom, Cheese, Mayonnaise, Freezer

As I wandered about campus today, I was perplexed as to what my first personal blog post would entail. Upon my return, I checked a few things online: Email, Bank Account, Facebook, etc. I then visited the BOX Blog only to find that Brick had made a most recent post. After reading and reflecting upon what he had said, I knew immediately what I would have to write about.

Last year, as a weary freshman, I visited this house countless times. If I found myself in desperate need of disillusionment via alcohol on a Monday night, I knew that I could count on someone at BOX. There would always be someone at this establishment who would put down a few cocktails with me. This story begins on a cold, wintry Thursday night in February of 2008.

I stopped in unannounced, to find a few of the residents and immediately made an important decision: I wanted to remember nothing of the events of that particular evening. After consuming the contents of a fifth of cheap whiskey and an unknown pint of Chinese alcohol, I blacked out. I awoke the next morning on the living room couch incapable of auditory functions. I proceeded to walk to the bathroom and examine myself in the mirror. What I found horrified me. Melted Cheese had been poured in my ears, on my face and all about my clothing. Mayonnaise had been spread about my body and relish was in my socks. As I made an attempt to correct these issues, I felt sore on my upper back thigh and had a strange rubbery sensation in my boxers. I discovered that this was a condom and to make matters worse I found it on the backside of my trousers. I pulled out the prophylactic with confusion and significant concern. After making the twenty minute walk back to my dorm in shame of my state of appearance, I received a call from the infamous Al Girard who pacified my fears of anal rape. He admitted to having punched my rear and unwrapping a condom and putting it down my pants.

The looks I received on the way back will always remain with me, but perhaps the best part of the story is something that I have no memory of taking place. Apparently at about 3am, after having been unconscious for a rather lengthy time, I awoke with both condiments and condom in place. However, at this juncture, my feet too were fastened by duct tape to a chair. Bystanders claim that I stood up, recognized my state of affairs, walked/tripped/crawled to the freezer, opened the freezer and proceeded to urinate upon the contents inside. Welcome to the BOX.