Which Mighty Ducks Character Are You?

The lack of brain cell killing I have been forced to endure over this merry holiday break has left me with an abundance of these overrated bodily components and an abundance of time to use them. What have I been thinking about with these brain cells, you ask?

The Mighty Ducks. These peresevering hockey warriors captivated all of us throughout our adolescent lives. Whether it be at the wintry atmosphere of the Minnesota peewee league, the world-stage of sunny Los Angeles, or the snooty confines of prep-school Eden Hall Acadamy, these hockey heroes have taught us just how far one can go with so little talent.

So, I said to myself, what better way to pass this sober period of my life than to compare BOX to these distinguished champions. The Roster:

# 44 Fulton Reed - Paul C.

Role: Slap-shot specialist; Bash Brother

The Similarities: Fulton Reed was brought onto the District 5 hockey squad for one reason - His eye-opening, window-cracking, net-breaking slap shot. When he shoots, opposing players scramble to get out of the way. Like Fulton, Paul is a big guy renowned for one thing - his ability to smash alcohol. When you hear Paul mouth those glorious words, "Im blacking out tonight," you better watch out, just like you have to watch out for Fultons wicked shot. When the Ducks are in trouble, they go to Fulton's slap shot; If BOX had to designate a chugger in a contest, it would undoubtedly be Paul. The two are so alike its almost unreal.

#21 Dean Portman - Matt B.

Role: Enforcer; Bash Brother

In the words of Don Tibbels (to Coach Bombay), "They're called enforcers Gordon, when you play Iceland you're gonna need em". Dean Portman was recruited out of Chicago for the sole reason to go up against the bigger Iceland squad at the Junior Goodwill Games. In hockey, enforcers don't get much playing time or glory, but when they hit the ice, they sure as hell mean business. This is Matt's exact role in BOX. He may not get to drink as much as the rest of us, and he may not get much spotlight, but god almighty, when the man drinks he can do damage. Just as Dean Portman can fire up the crowd, Matt makes everyone in the house excited when he decides to go all out drinking on a particular night.

# 16 Kenny Wu - Zola

Role: The Surprise Talent

An Asian figure skater brought in to play for team America? Dammit, I thought when I saw it, Team USA's gonna be lucky to sneak past Trinidad and Tobago in the first round. I'll admit it, I was pretty skeptical about our lovely Zola coming into this school year as well. A lanky kid who wears high socks and shorts all the time? No way he's any good at drinking. Sure enough, Kenny Wu and Zola both proved the nay-sayers wrong. Kenny Wu could provide a triple-camel-half-toe whenever Coach Bombay needed and he even had a short stint as a Bash Brother; Zola has proved me wrong and, in my opinion, is one of the elite drinkers of the house. I couldn't be happier about the acquisition of Kenny or Zola, nowadays.

# 99 Adam Banks - Brett

Role: Former Hawk; Cake-Eater; Only Real Talent on Team USA; Eden Hall Varsity

Adam Banks spent much of the first film as a member of the vaunted Hawks peewee powerhouse team, lighting up scoreboards and making goalies look silly throughout the season. In other words, he was absent for much of the beginning of D-5's epic quest. In similar fashion, Brett spent much of his first year at U of M in SAMMY, failing to come into his own as our good friend really until his second and third semesters here. In addition, Banks is constantly worried about scouts in the stands, while Brett is always worried about looking his best for the ladies. Although Banks becomes a lovable member of the Ducks, he quite frankly is too good for the other lowly skaters, and he eventually makes the Varsity team at Eden Hall. Brett also Brett sometimes thinks he is too good for us living-room dwellers, citing that, "I'm not spending time in that shithole". In the end, though, even if they are "cake-eaters," they're critical to the success of their respective organizations.

# 6 Julie "The Cat" Gaffney - Andy Nev-Squad

Role: Back-up goalie

Hailing from the hockey-loving state of Maine, Julie the Cat left her Bangor team to join Gordon Bombays Team USA "to show the world what she can do". However, she spends most of her time quietly parousing the bench, backing up Goldberg, who just happens to be on a hot-streak. Like The Cat, Andy can sometimes be the quiet drunk around the house, taking a backseat to the much louder and more obnoxious drunks such as myself or Chris Orr. Despite all this, Julie the Cat has two state titles to her name. Similarly, Andy, even though you might not be able to tell at first glance, has an astounding drinking history in his past. Finally, when the big game rolls around the corner, Julie the Cat sure as hell shows up (stoning Gunner Stahl in a shoot-out to beat arch-rival Iceland). Andy shows up for the big games too; if there's a tailgate or a big party, you can count on Andy to be a loud drunk.

Coach Wolf "The Dentist" Stanson, Iceland - Alexander

Role: Lack of Dignity; Does what he wants, when he wants

The rumor mill around the Los Angeles Junior Goodwill Games has it that Wolf "got ran out of the NHL after he punched out his own coach". Worse yet, he cheap-shots Gordon Bombay in the knee during a battle over a beachball. The man clearly lacks dignity. And who do we know in BOX that prides himself on this exact thing? That's right, the lovable, always entertaining Al Girard. Though Al might be a bit more friendly than the hated Iceland coach, both men do what they want, when they want, and are respected no matter what shenanigans they seem to pull.

Coach Gordon Bombay - B-Russ

Role: Drunken Lawyer; Bitter Community Service Participant; District 5 Savior; Big Shot Coach

Let's make this perfectly clear: Without Gordon Bombay and his DUI, the District 5 hockey club would probably be in shambles. Jesse Hall would probably be selling drugs, Charlie Conway would be in rehab for alcoholism, Connie Morreau would be pregant with Guy Germaine's third child, Adam Banks would still be a Hawk, and Goldberg would be an overweight McDonalds employee. The "Minnesota Miracle Man" turned everything around, though, convincing his group of outcasts that "ducks fly together". The man took a group of talentless hacks and made them champions of the world, and then got them high school scholarships. B-Russ' role in BOX is very similar to Bombay's. Without, B-Russ, BOX would struggle to function. We would be a bunch of drunks that would probably be evicted from our residency. He is the man behind the scenes, the mastermind, paying all of our bills, calling Wilson White, yelling at incompetent handymen, arranging our tailgates. Like Bombay, though, B-Russ will soon be moving on to bigger and better things (head of the USA Junior Program). What will Charlie Conway and his mates do without Bombay next year? God it won't be pretty. Unless someone like Coach O'Ryan steps up to handle our affairs.

# 00 Guy Germaine - Peter

Role: Lurker; On-and-off love affair with teammate Connie Morreau

Guy Germaine spends pretty much his entire hockey career lurking in the background. As an engineer, a lot of Peter's time is spent away from BOX doing work or something of that sort. Still, Pete and Guy can surprise you from time to time. For instance, Guy crashes through the boards when driving a zamboni. Sometimes, if Pete blacks out, you never know what he is going to do either. In this way, Pete and Guy have a lot in common. But the real similarity here is both of these men's love life. Guy Germaine spends a lot of time wooing fellow skater Connie Morreau. For as long as I've known him, Pete has had a similar-type relationship with one Rachel or another.

Hans - Ross

Role: The Wise Man

Whenever Gordon Bombay needed advice or got himself into a jam, he would turn to Hans. Ross was the Hans to BOX during his tenure in Ann Arbor. Smart, Patient, and Drunk, he was the epitome of a wise man and always seemed to have the best answers to all of life's questions. Should we drink today? Yes. Should we go to class today? No. In D3, though, Hans tragically passes away, leaving everyone sad and reminiscent of the good ole days when life was simpler. Likewise, BOX suffered the loss of Ross this year - a true blow to the morale of everyone.

# 96 Charlie Conway - Myself, Brick

Role: Captain Duck; Loyal Duck; Troubled Teen

Because it's my blog entry.

# 22 Luis Mendoza - Chris

Role: Speed-Demon

Luis Mendoza came all the way from the hockey recruiting goldmine of Miami Florida (note the sarcasm) to share with the world his wonderful ability of speed. The world was fortunate. In equal style, Chris Orr came to us from the basketball hotbed that is Kansas to show BOX and everyone else at the University of Michigan his ability of drinking. Luis likes to skate fast all the time; Chris likes to drink fast and all the time. This is what I love most about both men.

# 33 Greg Goldberg - Justin

Role: Mediocre Goalie; Convert to Defense

Justin, like Goldberg, is really just an all-around talent. Goldberg may not be the most talented of goalies, but he gets the job done. Justin may not be the drunkest of the drunks, but you can always count on him to drink with you. All in all, a great asset.

# 56 Russ Tyler - Steve

Role: Inner-City Street Hockey Legend; Knucle-Puck Inventor

Wild, crazy, all over the place, you never know where the knucle puck is going to go. This can be seen as a metaphor for Steve's drinking ability. You never know when he is going to dump a beer on a girl's head or come home from Michigan State looking like Michelangelo's paint canvas. One thing is for sure, though, just like the knuckle puck, Steve is damn funny to watch when drunk.

# ? Terre Hall -Jello

Role: Oreo Line Wing; Cut from Duck's USA Team

What is better than a blatantly racial remark in a Disney movie? I can't think of much. Jesse and Terre Hall, both black, played wingers with a white person at center, forming the unforgettable "Oreo Line". Then, unexpectedly, Jesse Hall makes Team USA, and Terry Hall is nowhere to be found. WTF? As we all know, Jello is going away next semester. Just as we all want the Oreo Line back immediately, we hope Jello and comes back ready to show his glorious drinking skills once again.

# ? Tommy and Tammy Duncan - Craig

Role: District 5 walk-ons; Cut from Team USA

Craig and the Duncans both have red hair. Just as the Duncans are on a hockey hiatus, Craig is on a drinking hiatus. But we hope that he returns soon to his once remarkable drinking form.