Ahhh, my first post from Seattle, and certainly not the last... but hopefully the last of this nature. As the title should suggest, I had an interesting night last night, and ended up victorious, barely escaping what would have been an almost surely tattered colon.
It all begins after the bars had closed in Seattle and I was making the long trek to my apartment from a friends apartment after I had walked her home (altogether now: "AWWWW HOW SWEET"). So I picked up a burrito on the way, all the while observing the vagrants and crazies babbling about meth and whatever else they do. I finally get to my apartment building and I scan myself in, fairly sure that no one was even near me at the time to get in behind me. I go over to check my mail, but something moves across the lobby out of the corner of my eye. I turn around and see nothing, and so begins just the tip of the next freaky 30 minutes. Keep in mind there is no concierge in this tower, the 24 hour concierge is in the tower adjacent to mine. So I have my mail, and I walk over to the elevator, and peer behind me around a corner as I do so, finding none other than a creepy old fat guy blatantly hiding against the wall with a phone to his ear, obviously not talking on the phone. This slightly perturbs me, so I keep on my b-line for the elevator, hoping that this guy wasn't going to join me. The doors open, and of course he hastily scuttles over to the elevator, almost ensuring my anal rape fate. This guy doesn't press a floor, just rides with me up to my floor, not saying a word as I am as far as possible from him, gearing up for a weird gay-hetero struggle. When I get to my floor I power walk it to my door, get in, and slam the door behind me, sure that my butt would live another day without penis near it. I do as anyone would do in this situation and break out the cold cuts, celebrating my victory, but just then I hear a faint knock on the door. It's 2:30 in the freaking morning.
"Who is it?"... I hear nothing, so I figure I just imagined it, and I dive into my black forest ham and mayo. Then maybe a minute later, another very faint knock. Now I'm freaked.
"WHO IS IT?!"
"Someone sent me here to see you" Says the person, extremely softly. Okay, now I go over to the door with a kitchen knife, preparing for some psycho to bust through the door and shit on my night. I go up to the peephole, and the dude has BLOCKED THE PEEPHOLE WITH HIS FINGER.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" As I deadbolt the door, not excited about this turn of events and fearing the worst... a homosexual man on PCP.
"Someone sent me here to see you" He says again, and this makes me back away from the door, grab my phone, and respond with
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, I DONT KNOW YOU"
After this, he decides to run down the hallway, and I immediately lock my windows and porch door, followed by a call to the concierge, letting him know that there is in fact a man on the loose in my tower with what are most likely gay intentions. Who knows what happened to the guy, but my night ends huddled in a corner of my bed, glad that my butt was safe and schlong-less.
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8 comments:
Great story. You should have taken his picture with your camera phone and posted it on Craigslist under M4M Casual Encounters. Or you should have stabbed him.
Also, I hear that the tactic the dude used against you is the same one Sig Ep uses to give out bids. If you open the door they let you into the frat.
See I don't know dave, I don't really see a zombie apocalypse in Seattle being feasible-I'll break it down for you. First you have your vegan and vegetarian zombies, who, for obvious reasons would make terrible zombies, and would probably die off. Then you get to the gay zombies. Now while this man would be the anomaly, I don't think the average gay zombie would be very menacing (note: I hope I do not offend any gay zombie followers of this blog). Finally, you're left with the hippies, who would probably protest and end up eating organic soy nuts, so they're out too. Really you're only left with butch lesbians, and I think they could be dealt with somehow. Ftw.
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As friday arrives, we all realize
It is time to black out.
We may shout, we may pout
But we all know that there is no doubt.
The red haired heathen from next door,
will definitely be laying on the floor.
His birthday party, yes indeed,
DJ Jello is not what we need.
Zola will be out of the house once again,
Hopefully he will gain his redemption.
He wants a cuddle buddy, to put it in his muddy
Spot between his legs. It maybe be one of box's pegs.
Tomorrow will be yet another day,
Drinking games we will play.
Cases races are so much fun,
We are so sloppy when we are done.
Partying again tomorrow night,
Hopefully there will be no fights.
Sunday will then be here too quick,
The hand on the clock continues to tick
Real life is a bunch of shit, no matter what we do we won't quit.
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