Collect 'Em All

For the last two seasons, each of which I tried unsuccesfully to drink away all memory of Michigan football, I have been hearing phrases like, "Well the football team sucks, but at least we still have tailgating". And for the last two seasons, unfortunately, this has been true. A lot of focus has been taken away from the actual game experience and has been redirected towards the tailgate portion of the gameday, mostly in an attempt to blackout before the game so it would not be remembered.

One could say that the tailgater has been more heroic than the athlete these past two gruesome years. But when does the tailgater get any credit? Never. Until now.

To make up for this I give you the Tailgating trading card, starting with some of the finest tailgaters around: (in actuality, I created this out of sheer boredom in the day prior to the glorious day when I return to BOX for the year and the excitement leading up to the first tailgate, but you get the idea)

Card #1:
Name: "The Wetness"


Home: BOX
Drinking hand: Pulls right; Chases left
Gameday attire: More often than not, you will find The Wetness sporting the bear suit, with Obi Ezeh # 45 jersey over it. On hotter days, he might elect the Captain America costume, or just a good old pair of jorts.
Drink of choice: (see above) As he is allergic to most types of beer, this bear-suited tailgater has become a liquor-savvy drinker. He usually can be seen drinking extremely cheap handles of vodka, or on a good occasion, he will choose to drink the Blue Wave vodka.
Most likely to be heard saying: "[insert opposing team here] has AIDS!!"; "Would you like to come inside for a roofie-colada?"; or singing Enrique Eglasias tunes; "I would just like to tell Mike Hart that he's about as cool as Jesus"
Most likely to be seen doing: Running around in the nude; Giving vodka pulls to old men walking by on their way to the game; kicking field goals above the traffic lights upon waking up
Inside the Big House: Making offensive but hilarious cheers; cheering unwaveringly for his beloved Obi Ezeh

Card #2:
Name: Dave a.k.a. Buzz Light Year

Home: BOX Greenwood affiliate house

Drinking hand: Right

Gameday attire: Rain, shine, wind, snow, or tidal wave, he shows up, usually already hammered at 8 a.m., in the Buzz Light Year costume complete with Michigan football helmet.
Drink of choice: If I had to make an educated guess, I'm sure he does shots of vodka before showing up to the tailgate, then drinks beer while at the tailgate.
Most likely to be heard saying: "To infinity, and beyond!"
Most likely to be seen doing: Arriving on a motorcycle; jumping up and down on mattresses in the yard; flying off of the porch; Wandering aimlessly in the middle of State Street, attempting to direct traffic

Card #3:

Name: Chris aka "The Friendly Neighborhood Drunk"

Home: Once lived next door to BOX, what is now BOX Senior house. Currently, whereabouts unknown (somewhere on Packard, too far away)
Drinking hand: double-fists
Gameday attire: (see above) The gold sequined vest makes up the core of this tailgater's attire, but his fantasically crafted facial hair usually seals the deal (preferably mutton chops)
Drink of choice: Maker's mark. Last fall I remember he dropped a fifth, and after it smashed to the ground, he had a 10 minute long ceremony to mourn its loss - that's how much he revers alcohol.
Most likely to be heard saying: "Fuck it, let's go bowling!"; "FUCK MIZZOU!"'; "I'm DRUNKKKKKK!!!!" ; "BAYONETS!" (the capital letters indicate his loudness)
Most likely to be seen doing: Arriving before anyone else at 5 a.m. with a cocktail in hand; Screaming songs from the balcony of the front porch; chugging a fifth; dancing to Miley Cyrus; throwing utilities off of the roof; dumping a beer on himself
At the Big House: I'm pretty sure he doesn't make it to games