Autumn Fast Approacheth

As we settle into the dog days of summer, it seems as if every day drags on longer and longer as my mind longs for the upcoming fall and all of the greatness that accompanies a new school year. At the same time, it seems as if it were only yesterday that Zola's blogpost detailing the "Most Anticipated Events of Summer" was published. Yet another college summer (my last) has passed by in the blink of an eye, August will be here in a couple of days, and the beginning of classes and football season is just a stones throw away. For me, it was a rather mild summer in terms of alcohol consumption and tomfoolery. But I guess any summer is hard to compare to last summer - when I had no responsibilities and drank nearly every night. But I would argue that a mild summer means good things are to come. Liver's should be rested and funds should be replenished for many, meaning that one will be that much more prepared for an onslaught of booze-inspired poor decision making this fall. And certainly, since the year will be many BOX members' last one in college, we will be prepared to make an appropriate exit from the undergraduate stage of our lives.

In homage to Zola's "Most Anticipated Events of Summer," which again, seems like yesterday, I have comprised a short-list of some big things that will all be happening within the next few weeks. It's a hell of a list we have to look forward to and uncork a new year with:

1. Aug. 13: The Old Crow Challenge (II). Last year, a fledgling tradition was born when three members of BOX embarked on a mission to finish 4(.5) gallons of bourbon whiskey in as many nights. Ever since the end of the challenge last August, BOX members have been yearning for this event like kids waiting for Christmas.

Unlike last year, there is no predetermined goal in mind. However, the general idea is that one should push the limit as to how much bourbon he can drink, and I truly mean push the limit as to how much one's body can physically take. Over the course of 4 days, a man is expected to spend very little time sober, as all of the guidelines of a bender pertain to this event. The hard-core participants will sleep very little, get excessively drunk twice in a day, and probably take a year or so off of their lives. Personally, I'm setting a bar for myself at 2 half gallons, which roughly comes out to a fifth a day... but we'll probably just see where it goes from there. I'm confident that the Friendly Neighborhood Drunk could probably polish off 3 handles in the four day timeslot.

2. Welcome Week(s). BOX members historically have taken the traditional college "welcome week" and turned it into a "welcome month". I remember last fall NotoriousPLC and I had a calendar and one day woke up to realize we had drank something like 17 days in a row; the winter semester ended up being like 30 out of 33 nights in a row drunk. Obviously the traditional welcome week is great for all of the parties, but somehow the drunkenness seems to keep playing out long after most students have settled into reality. As a general rule, I think most BOX members tend to live in a drunken haze until the last possible moment before something significant is actually due for classes. I expect this year to be no different, as many of us are seniors, and now can drink at the bars instead of by ourselves on those lonely Monday nights when everyone else on campus has started studying and you start feeling like a real alcoholic. Additionally, with a new group of drunks living right next door to us, and drunken DKE friends living 2 doors down, it certainly won't be hard to find someone to drink with this year, although most of us have proven that drinking by our lonesome is no strange occurrence.

3. (obviously) Tailgate season. If I was asked to paint a picture of my ideal heaven, it would be almost identical to Ann Arbor on a fall Saturday morning. Waking up at the crack of dawn to a glass of bourbon, drunken tailgates, thousands of maize-clad people walking by, the Wolverines running out of the tunnel at the Big House. I can honestly say that each and every football Saturday I've experienced in college will go down as one of the best days of my life. Ever. Nothing in the world compares to it. When I think about how much money I've spent to go here, and wonder how much I could've saved by going somewhere shittier, I think about football Saturday's. I would pay full tuition for the memories of football Saturday's alone. Hands down.

It really seems like only last fall that I was a freshman walking down State Street for my first game. As I went from frat to frat, and on to the stadium, I realized that my two favorite things in the world - Binge drinking and Michigan football - had been mixed to create an unrivaled atmosphere. Somehow, three years have come and gone in the blink of an eye, and I'm left with only one season left of these heavenly days. Let's make a few more memories, because I know in a couple of years we'll all be longing for these days... if we can remember any of it.

What Happened?

While the title may be a question that many BOX members ask themselves on a Sunday morning (I woke up at 3 in the afternoon which makes my morning more of an evening), today has really stumped me. It is 5pm and I am still under the influence from the events of yesterday. Me and the Friendly Neighborhood Drunk engaged in a 1 v. 1 case race yesterday. He won handily (as was expected) 30-22 which is when things start to get hazy. The case race began at about 2:30 and was finished by 8:30, but that is just where the night begins. Afterwords, me and a few friends went to Charley's and then Rick's. It is at this point in my tale where memory is essentially not relevant at all because things just start to get silly. I have no remembrance of how or why I left Rick's, but I ended up at Greenwood. I somehow thought it would be a good idea to go to my friends' house even though neither of them live there over the summer. By a stroke of luck however, one of them, Squats, was actually visiting with his friends that night. So after a brief pass out, on their couch I awoke and realized I needed to take a leak. I went outside, and as far as I know, I lost a sandal. From there, I ended up at Bell's Pizza with one Sandal eating 2 slices of Cheese Pizza talking to Greg Matthews. When I went home, there appeared to be 4 strangers on my porch. As I got closer, I recognized them as friends and we started consuming more beverage. We then thought it would be a good idea to play chair in the street. This game was fairly boring until (after about 30 cars swerved around it) some drunk man drilled the chair and destroyed it. After enjoying a good laugh, we let the pieces of the chair lie in the street. Then, sometime later, a cab pulled over and put the pieces on my neighbors' lawn. My response was classic. I ran from my porch and yelled at him saying: "This is my property! What do you think you're doing?" This is especially funny considering that it wasn't my property. As my friends invited a shirtless man onto the porch, I began trading him beers for cigarettes. This is awesome because I later kicked the man off our porch. Then, at around 4 or 5am my friends left. My night concludes as I decided to sit on the porch, drinking Natty Ice's and watching the sun rise. These are the things that I remember, but I am not entirely sure how they are connected or if there are more details.

Somber Events at the Home

This post is dedicated to a brave little hamster and the death of an even more courageous piece of BOX lore, the Gettysburg DVD. On March 23, 2008 our abode was blessed with the introduction of Harriet Tubman, the house hamster. After living a life full of drug experimentation and alcohol abuse, she pushed through it all and survived for 16 months. She spent her final days living free and unimpeded in the basement. Her unfortunate demise in the washing machine was certainly the best and only way that she should have exited life. She was buried in a Miller High Life box in the front yard yesterday to the tune of Amazing Grace. Many showed up for the funeral dressed in formal mourning attire and others in celebratory silly festive attire. Yet, the Wetness truly gave a magnificent sermon as he was dressed in a full blown priest outfit-all black with the white strip at the collar. His speech was both honorary of the hamster's life and realistic in how much of a bitch she was in life. Harriet Tubman rests in bum corner of the BOX house (at least until a raccoon digs her up and consumes the remainder of her body).

Sadder yet, a staple of BOX tailgates has fallen. The Gettysburg DVD that played on our TV during every tailgate in the fall died. It brought people together, it made us laugh, it made us remember American heroes, it made us see Sam Elliot for the man he really is. Zola and I made it up to General Hethe's charge on General Buford's position (I know a great spot in the film) when: UNABLE TO READ DISC appeared on the screen. I know that you all must be very distraught about the death of such a fine DVD, but rest assured by the time tailgate season rolls around in 6 weeks or so a new Gettysburg DVD will have been purchased. In the meantime, try to show the same fortitude Colonel Chamberlain did on Little Round Top.

A great anniversary for everyone but PLC

Today marks the 40th anniversary of the USA landing on the moon! We are sure the box class of 1969 celebrated appropriately.

It should also be noted that not all Box members will be celebrating today.

That is because PAUL CAVANAUGH DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT WE EVER LANDED ON THE MOON.

Apparently he saw a show on Fox that convinced him that we never landed on the moon. What an idiot.

The Box Treasure Hunt

Yesterday PLC and I were hanging out behind the house thinking of ways to turn our back yard into an opium den/strip club. You know, guy stuff. While we were doing this we noticed that underneath a thin layer of dirt was a large circular piece of cement.


We knew that this slab of stone must be concealing something and we could only guess what lay underneath as we began to dig. We were hoping it was bars of gold but secretly I wanted it to be the 1992 and 1993 NCAA Final Four Banners. We began to prop up the cover with shit we found in the basement. Once we had uncovered the secret cavern we were amazed at what we found. It was an old well shaft that was filed in dirt. Neither of us expected that!

Although we were disappointed with the lack of buried treasure we decided that the next curious BOX descendants should at least get to uncover something cool. So we gave them a clue, to lead them on their own magnificent adventure.


It reads:
You have found the first clue to finding buried treasure. Next you will need to proceed to the attic of the President's house where you will find a cigar box with four condoms and your next clue inside.

Good Luck,

The Men of the Order of the BOX
2009

Precursor to Fall Tailgates

As the first football game of the year inches closer with every passing day, I've grown increasingly anxious. So to heighten the anticipation, I've come up with a list of items that need to be addressed (this post may be more of a checklist to BOX members and affiliates than actually informative). Lets get a move on people.

1. Shirts need to be decided and ordered by Tuesday
2. Bring any electronic equipment that you don't want to the house for Break Stuff sessions
3. Despite long hours of practice, I am still bad at the playing the Horn of Gondor-an experienced person would be helpful
4. We need sponsors-the more obscure and hilarious, the better
5. Boo Weekley or John Daley need to come to at least one tailgate this year
6. Fencing-we are out
7. A new computer tower
8. A beer pong table
9. This: http://aardvarks.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/wilford_brimley.jpg
10. In foresight, I am going to need a new liver so I'll throw the request out there now

If you can assist in the acquisition of any of these things please let us know. This tailgate season has a great deal of promise especially with characters like Craig, Jello, J-Bird and Hill living next door along with the return of tailgate all-star veterans like Chris Orr and Steve Wolters.

The Pet that Will Not Die

For the past year and a half or so, a hamster that goes by the name of Harriet Tubman -- aptly named for her burrowing skills and unrelenting pursuit to escape her cage -- has enjoyed the luxury of living in BOX as our house pet. I first received this pet in March of 2008, as a gift from Al and my girlfriend at the time - who hoped that giving me a pet would "teach me responsibility". While I cannot really say the whole responsibility thing ever worked out, the fact that Harriet is still alive proved many nay-sayers wrong. Many outsiders take one look at our house and say that it is unfit for an animal to live in, let alone a human being. They said our house could never keep a pet alive. They said it couldn't be done.

Harriet's endurance has proved that BOX can indeed keep a pet alive. Though she has been drunk at numerous parties (I've woken up many times to find Harriet's water bowl filled with beer or Old Crow), has been high from puffs of hippy-lettuce blown into her cage, has survived numerous throws across the room in her ball, and has been forced to live in one of our bathtubs for weeks after I accidentally broke her cage, she somehow has managed to survive in BOX. Most recently, Saturday morning to be exact, I woke up from a strong night of drinking to find that the BOX house pet was missing from her cage. I wasn't positive if either a.) someone came into the home and stole her or b.) she simply climbed out of her cage somehow. But I was almost positive that she was gone once and for all, considering that our door had been opened pretty much all night. Just as I was ready to write off Harriet's existence in the world for good, a maintenance man claimed to have seen a creature resembling Harriet running around in the depths of the basement today - nearly a full week after the day she went missing. Somehow this persevering rodent survived a week in the cellar without food or water. While some of the roommates were joyous in anticipation that Harriet was dead (some wanted a cremation jar of her), they will have to wait a little longer for that day. I think it is remarkable that BOX has been able to keep a pet alive this long.

So, as our reputation of filth, irresponsibility, and general unhealthiness has certainly been growing as of late (the city of Ann Arbor offered us cleaning tips such as 'how to use a vacuum the other day'; and a girl familar to the house refuses to let her brother live here even though we are desperate for another roommate this year) the tale of Harriet Tubman proves that a pet can indeed live in BOX. We can't be that bad if this rodent has survived so long, can we?

God Smiles on our BOX

The festering infection of the BOX house has finally been cleaned. The man who goes by the name of Bob Loblaw's Law Blog, Pete, no longer lives at our residence. His departure marks several reasons for joy and celebration particularly since there is a whisper in the winds of Ann Arbor that a former member and legend shall return, Ross. However, I would like to make a special notice here for Brick. He misses the hot man on man action that Pete provided for his specific needs and surely Brick longs for more. In any case, I will miss watching horrible movies with my unemployed comrade during the day-movies like Battlefield Earth, Waterworld, Zoo, Hitman and Deep Blue Sea. So farewell Pete and good riddance.

Meet Our Friend Craig, a.k.a. Craig's at it Again

Meet our friend Craig: Drunk extraordinaire

Tonight the drinking legend that is Craig decided to take a brief hiatus from building army tanks to come and drink copious amounts of bourbon in the place he truly belongs, BOX, Ann Arbor. It didn't take long after arrival for Craig to begin his normal Craig antics: lookings like a crazy red-head, speaking unspeakable words, making girls feel uncomfortable. About this time Craig decided to challenge me to a 40 race.

So Since I am in fact a weaker drinker than Peter, B-Russ, probably Al, Andy, and Zola (sarcasm), what better man to challenge to regain my drinking crowndom than Craig. As it turns out, this strategy was pointless. I ended up pounding a 40; Craig ended up spilling it all over a female-household's carpet.

Anyways, this all is beside the point. What is the point is how Mr. Craig ended up this fine night. (With pictures):


Here we see our friend Craig in a clear attempt to enter the BOX home through an opened window. However, it appears this red-headed drunk has passed out half-way through. Don't let the picture fool you, the man literally passed out in this position.




Here we see the animal from outdoors, with his ass hanging half-way out the window, literally waiting for a homeless man to penetrate his anoos.

At this point, you might be thinking that Craig is a crazy drinker. I would like to share a story about Zola-palooza. Craig drank heavily, blacked out, came-to at Kroger (at least 1.5 miles away) at 6 a.m., was asked by Kroger employees if he was ok (?), and proceeded to run home in the rain. Yes, the man is a drinking fiend.


Editors Note: Craig is now removed from his position in between the window, and is passed out (in his own vomit) on the porch.