Friday, January 9, 2009
Headache
Last night I was drinking a fifth of 100 proof hot damn through a straw, straight from the bottle. I have a sneaky suspicion that this may have been in direct correlation to the pounding headache I awoke with.
The Blackout Problem
I wake up this morning not knowing how I got to my bed. Better yet, when I get up to "hold a short staff meeting" (take a piss) as my father would say there is a mysterious dried red substance on the bathroom floor. While BOX has a longstanding tradition of problematic drinking, from personal experience during the Old Crow Challenge: a period of 4 days during which 10 handles of whiskey were consumed amongst 3 men; along with the stretch over the past few days, during which I have drank every night in the past week and gotten blackout more times than not. Most human beings would say that this sort of lifestyle is problematic, but I disagree. It, in and of itself is not a problem.
The inordinate amount of money I have spent at Campus Corner is however a problem. In roughly 5 months, $1100 of my hard-earned cash have been spent on alcohol (or so my bank account recently informed me). Contrary to popular belief, getting blackout (or brownout) for several nights on end is not an easy accomplishment. Instead, it takes several largely important aspects-a fairly large amount of money, the personal fortitude to drink when your body doesn't want you to, and most importantly the willingness to accept the notion that you most likely will not get laid. The amount of dignity, money and possible sexual encounters that I have personally lost out on can not be expressed well enough in this post. While alcohol has become more than a problem for me and arguably a few of my roommates, blackouts are a wondrous thing, but the various components to achieve this goal are a great cost.
The inordinate amount of money I have spent at Campus Corner is however a problem. In roughly 5 months, $1100 of my hard-earned cash have been spent on alcohol (or so my bank account recently informed me). Contrary to popular belief, getting blackout (or brownout) for several nights on end is not an easy accomplishment. Instead, it takes several largely important aspects-a fairly large amount of money, the personal fortitude to drink when your body doesn't want you to, and most importantly the willingness to accept the notion that you most likely will not get laid. The amount of dignity, money and possible sexual encounters that I have personally lost out on can not be expressed well enough in this post. While alcohol has become more than a problem for me and arguably a few of my roommates, blackouts are a wondrous thing, but the various components to achieve this goal are a great cost.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Box: The Female Perspective Part 2 [ALCOHOL]
BOX house has the reputation for being the best tailgate spot on campus, although perhaps I am a bit biased. Say what you want about the costumes and the intoxicated dancing, but when you get right down to it, it’s all about the booze. There is no house on campus with such abundant quantities of cheap vodka, cheap whiskey, and cheap beer; nor does anyone else give it away so freely. Before Al and I started dating, I had never consumed any vodka that was of lower quality than Smirnoff. However, my standards dropped considerably when I was introduced to Al’s favorites: Crown Russe, Crystal Palace, Kamchatka, and of course, Mohawk. As is usual for this blog, I’d like to dedicate this portion of my entry to some of my favorite drunken memories of the BOX house inhabitants.
- B. Russ: I met Brian Russell on the evening of his twenty first birthday. I didn’t have much time to form a first impression, although I noted that he seemed drunk. This impression was cemented when I almost slipped going down the stairs the next morning; they were coated with his fresh vomit. Ah, memories.
- Paul: BOX had enjoyed a relaxed afternoon together watching a Michigan football game on TV. As usual, this meant that several house members would celebrate/drown the memory of the occasion by blacking out. Paul spent the later part of the afternoon alternately passing out and thrashing around on the second floor landing. Al and I heard him falling down stairs, hammering on doors, and finally calling out to Barty in the voice of one who knows he has been beaten: “Matt. Matt. I need help. I just want to go to bed.” Realizing that his friend would not be physically able to get up, Barty finally came upstairs and half-guided and half-carried Paul to his bed.
- Brick: As Welcome Week 2008 began winding down, BOX house was still going strong. I was standing in the living room making a little speech about god knows what to those assembled, using the metal shaft of a golf club to gesture and accentuate the key points of my rhetoric. All of a sudden, Brick came tearing down the stairs and marched right out the door. I chased him outside, still waving my golf shaft, calling, “Bricky Bear!” Brick proceeded to throw a chair across the yard screaming, “Fuck My Life!” I watched, open-mouthed, as Brick began hightailing it toward central campus. But the best was yet to come. A heavyset girl came out onto the porch, slipping on her heels and calling Brick‘s name. I poked her with my golf shaft and said, in my best Southern drawl, “And what’s your name, honey child?” The circumstances prevent me from remembering it, but I do recall her chasing Brick all the way down State Street, buttoning her blouse as she went.
- Al: The stories I could tell. One of my favorites was definitely the Northwestern tailgate. I was giving a campus tour that morning and so had the misfortune of not being able to attend the last tailgate of the season. I first realized that things had gotten a little out of hand when my friend Rachel called me and said, “Al’s walking down the middle of State Street, screaming that he found ten bucks.” I chuckled as I came out of the Michigan Union, then did a double take when I saw Al before my very eyes. Rather than walking on the sidewalk, Al, in all his bear-suited glory, was just strolling down the side of the road as angry motorists swerved and honked. I’ve never been so proud as when I had to pull Al out of the street and convince him to turn around and walk back toward BOX house without touching or yelling at the other people (many of them parents) who were walking towards the stadium. The second time I saw Al that day was when I attempted to leave BOX house and he caused an enormous clusterfuck in the doorway by trying to make out with me for an extended period of time. The third time I saw him was by far the best. Rachel and I only stayed at the game for one quarter, and as we walked back toward campus, I caught sight of the bear yet again. Once again, Al was shunning the conventional sidewalk and was instead walking in the grassy ditch beside it. He was babbling and gesturing animatedly and I wondered who he was talking to. I was hardly surprised when I realized no one was there. Al maintains that he was, in fact, singing, but this feeble attempt at dignity is accepted by no one.
BOX: THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE PART 1 [GREASY FOOD]
THURSDAY, JANUARY 8:While most college students (especially girls) make it a goal to avoid the freshmen 15, most of the members of BOX seem to have welcomed it with open arms and demanded more. True, I have noticed that Brett and Peter spend time at the gym, but they are in the minority. I once witnessed (horrorstruck) Al scarfing down two pounds of bacon in one sitting. Worse was the time I saw Paul eating a burrito that was about the size of my leg. Worse yet was when I realized that this was not an isolated occasion, but that these BTB giant burritos are a frequent and beloved snack among BOX members.
Brick is the lone exception to this eating pattern. This summer, I watched him scrape by on one daily meal, usually a pathetic little container of Spaghettios. True, his culinary skills are sub par; I heard he often used to heat up metal cans of green beans in the microwave until someone informed that this practice was, in fact, extremely dangerous. However, he did manage to survive by supplementing his meager diet with the Old Crow Whiskey he adores so much.
I have never, in over ten months, seen anything that could be classified as a fruit or vegetable enter the BOX house. The closest I’ve seen was a wilted piece of iceberg lettuce on someone’s burger, but this hardly qualifies. That’s why the new pennant in the kitchen says it all. The pennant doesn’t advertise a team or even the BOX house itself (like my miniature one). Instead, it proudly proclaims “Bacon!”; a true testament to the BOX lifestyle.
Brick is the lone exception to this eating pattern. This summer, I watched him scrape by on one daily meal, usually a pathetic little container of Spaghettios. True, his culinary skills are sub par; I heard he often used to heat up metal cans of green beans in the microwave until someone informed that this practice was, in fact, extremely dangerous. However, he did manage to survive by supplementing his meager diet with the Old Crow Whiskey he adores so much.
I have never, in over ten months, seen anything that could be classified as a fruit or vegetable enter the BOX house. The closest I’ve seen was a wilted piece of iceberg lettuce on someone’s burger, but this hardly qualifies. That’s why the new pennant in the kitchen says it all. The pennant doesn’t advertise a team or even the BOX house itself (like my miniature one). Instead, it proudly proclaims “Bacon!”; a true testament to the BOX lifestyle.
BOX: THE FEMALE PERSPECTIVE
SATURDAY, JANUARY 4: It seems like everyone at BOX has been waiting for this day forever. No, today is not the first Michigan home game, although I wish it was. However, today is that Quickie Burger will begin serving alcohol for the first time. I heard B. Russ thundering down the stairs this morning, on his way to what will surely be a day of inebriation and poor decisions. As he left, he called back to Peter, “Let’s grab some burgers, grab some brews, and grab some bitches!” I chuckled to myself for a little while, and then rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. As I thought it over, however, I realized that these three pastimes fundamentally comprise the triumvirate of what BOX house is all about. My sorority, Delta Gamma, has built its tradition on courage, strength, and peace. Beta Omega Chi, on the other hand, has built its legendary reputation on greasy food, ALCOHOL, and an endless parade of unsuspecting U of M coeds. My commentary on these three aspects of “living the dream” at BOX house will be posted in three separate installments.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Late Night Chronicle of Hilarity
I would just like to preface this blog post by saying that everything in parenthethes is what i am hearing as i type this.
So after a robust evening of drinking last night I decided to bench myself from drinking tonight. Just before I went to bed (rosenfoosner) a certain drunk individual, very well known around these parts, walked down the stairs and offered herself up for an Eiffel Tower. No (loud thump) one accepted. Shortly after, I went to bed, but was unable to fall asleep. All i could/still can hear is a rattling sound coming loudly from the (silverware crashing) bathroom. After thinking about it for a few minutes I (rosenfoosner followed by loud thump) realized that it was Harriet Tubman, our beloved hamster, in her wheel. Why might you ask is there a hamster in the bathroom? This is because Brick accidentally knocked over a chair into Harriet's previous (cabinets slamming) enclosure sending glass shards everywhere. In all of our drunkenness we decided last night that the bathtub would be a suitable area for Harriet to live... terrible. (Brick laughing saying he loves Paul).
About two hours later after browsing the internets trying to fall asleep I heard the door slam... Paul had arrived home. How did I know it was Paul? Because I opened my bedroom door 5 minutes later to find him passed out in front of my (red wings commentary/ Paul groaning) door on the second floor landing. (things breaking/ dignity being lost) Brick was also still awake when i walked downstairs. I was glad to discover that after brick spent the entire night casually drinking, no more than 5 or 6 beers, he had decided (glass breaking) to drink half of a fifth starting at 2am. fantastic job brick.(rosenfoosner/ misc. debauchery). As I am writing this Chris Orr has just arrived at our home announcing his presence with a "I'm drunk" as he entered the house. I am not sure why it seems that most of BOX is awake at 3:30am the day before classes begin. I love it, confused, but pleasantly surprised. Something is currently being broken downstairs... I am not sure what, but it sounds great. I just walked downstairs to discover Paul with a fifth in his hands, and Brick playing Mario 3. Paul asked me if I knew where the Ghettysburg DVD was (Brick grunting) and threw the remote at me. I just sulked back to my room, ashamed of my own sobriety.
So after a robust evening of drinking last night I decided to bench myself from drinking tonight. Just before I went to bed (rosenfoosner) a certain drunk individual, very well known around these parts, walked down the stairs and offered herself up for an Eiffel Tower. No (loud thump) one accepted. Shortly after, I went to bed, but was unable to fall asleep. All i could/still can hear is a rattling sound coming loudly from the (silverware crashing) bathroom. After thinking about it for a few minutes I (rosenfoosner followed by loud thump) realized that it was Harriet Tubman, our beloved hamster, in her wheel. Why might you ask is there a hamster in the bathroom? This is because Brick accidentally knocked over a chair into Harriet's previous (cabinets slamming) enclosure sending glass shards everywhere. In all of our drunkenness we decided last night that the bathtub would be a suitable area for Harriet to live... terrible. (Brick laughing saying he loves Paul).
About two hours later after browsing the internets trying to fall asleep I heard the door slam... Paul had arrived home. How did I know it was Paul? Because I opened my bedroom door 5 minutes later to find him passed out in front of my (red wings commentary/ Paul groaning) door on the second floor landing. (things breaking/ dignity being lost) Brick was also still awake when i walked downstairs. I was glad to discover that after brick spent the entire night casually drinking, no more than 5 or 6 beers, he had decided (glass breaking) to drink half of a fifth starting at 2am. fantastic job brick.(rosenfoosner/ misc. debauchery). As I am writing this Chris Orr has just arrived at our home announcing his presence with a "I'm drunk" as he entered the house. I am not sure why it seems that most of BOX is awake at 3:30am the day before classes begin. I love it, confused, but pleasantly surprised. Something is currently being broken downstairs... I am not sure what, but it sounds great. I just walked downstairs to discover Paul with a fifth in his hands, and Brick playing Mario 3. Paul asked me if I knew where the Ghettysburg DVD was (Brick grunting) and threw the remote at me. I just sulked back to my room, ashamed of my own sobriety.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Which Mighty Ducks Character Are You?
The lack of brain cell killing I have been forced to endure over this merry holiday break has left me with an abundance of these overrated bodily components and an abundance of time to use them. What have I been thinking about with these brain cells, you ask?
The Mighty Ducks. These peresevering hockey warriors captivated all of us throughout our adolescent lives. Whether it be at the wintry atmosphere of the Minnesota peewee league, the world-stage of sunny Los Angeles, or the snooty confines of prep-school Eden Hall Acadamy, these hockey heroes have taught us just how far one can go with so little talent.
So, I said to myself, what better way to pass this sober period of my life than to compare BOX to these distinguished champions. The Roster:
# 44 Fulton Reed - Paul C.
Role: Slap-shot specialist; Bash Brother
The Similarities: Fulton Reed was brought onto the District 5 hockey squad for one reason - His eye-opening, window-cracking, net-breaking slap shot. When he shoots, opposing players scramble to get out of the way. Like Fulton, Paul is a big guy renowned for one thing - his ability to smash alcohol. When you hear Paul mouth those glorious words, "Im blacking out tonight," you better watch out, just like you have to watch out for Fultons wicked shot. When the Ducks are in trouble, they go to Fulton's slap shot; If BOX had to designate a chugger in a contest, it would undoubtedly be Paul. The two are so alike its almost unreal.
#21 Dean Portman - Matt B.
Role: Enforcer; Bash Brother
In the words of Don Tibbels (to Coach Bombay), "They're called enforcers Gordon, when you play Iceland you're gonna need em". Dean Portman was recruited out of Chicago for the sole reason to go up against the bigger Iceland squad at the Junior Goodwill Games. In hockey, enforcers don't get much playing time or glory, but when they hit the ice, they sure as hell mean business. This is Matt's exact role in BOX. He may not get to drink as much as the rest of us, and he may not get much spotlight, but god almighty, when the man drinks he can do damage. Just as Dean Portman can fire up the crowd, Matt makes everyone in the house excited when he decides to go all out drinking on a particular night.
# 16 Kenny Wu - Zola
Role: The Surprise Talent
An Asian figure skater brought in to play for team America? Dammit, I thought when I saw it, Team USA's gonna be lucky to sneak past Trinidad and Tobago in the first round. I'll admit it, I was pretty skeptical about our lovely Zola coming into this school year as well. A lanky kid who wears high socks and shorts all the time? No way he's any good at drinking. Sure enough, Kenny Wu and Zola both proved the nay-sayers wrong. Kenny Wu could provide a triple-camel-half-toe whenever Coach Bombay needed and he even had a short stint as a Bash Brother; Zola has proved me wrong and, in my opinion, is one of the elite drinkers of the house. I couldn't be happier about the acquisition of Kenny or Zola, nowadays.
# 99 Adam Banks - Brett
Role: Former Hawk; Cake-Eater; Only Real Talent on Team USA; Eden Hall Varsity
Adam Banks spent much of the first film as a member of the vaunted Hawks peewee powerhouse team, lighting up scoreboards and making goalies look silly throughout the season. In other words, he was absent for much of the beginning of D-5's epic quest. In similar fashion, Brett spent much of his first year at U of M in SAMMY, failing to come into his own as our good friend really until his second and third semesters here. In addition, Banks is constantly worried about scouts in the stands, while Brett is always worried about looking his best for the ladies. Although Banks becomes a lovable member of the Ducks, he quite frankly is too good for the other lowly skaters, and he eventually makes the Varsity team at Eden Hall. Brett also Brett sometimes thinks he is too good for us living-room dwellers, citing that, "I'm not spending time in that shithole". In the end, though, even if they are "cake-eaters," they're critical to the success of their respective organizations.
# 6 Julie "The Cat" Gaffney - Andy Nev-Squad
Role: Back-up goalie
Hailing from the hockey-loving state of Maine, Julie the Cat left her Bangor team to join Gordon Bombays Team USA "to show the world what she can do". However, she spends most of her time quietly parousing the bench, backing up Goldberg, who just happens to be on a hot-streak. Like The Cat, Andy can sometimes be the quiet drunk around the house, taking a backseat to the much louder and more obnoxious drunks such as myself or Chris Orr. Despite all this, Julie the Cat has two state titles to her name. Similarly, Andy, even though you might not be able to tell at first glance, has an astounding drinking history in his past. Finally, when the big game rolls around the corner, Julie the Cat sure as hell shows up (stoning Gunner Stahl in a shoot-out to beat arch-rival Iceland). Andy shows up for the big games too; if there's a tailgate or a big party, you can count on Andy to be a loud drunk.
Coach Wolf "The Dentist" Stanson, Iceland - Alexander
Role: Lack of Dignity; Does what he wants, when he wants
The rumor mill around the Los Angeles Junior Goodwill Games has it that Wolf "got ran out of the NHL after he punched out his own coach". Worse yet, he cheap-shots Gordon Bombay in the knee during a battle over a beachball. The man clearly lacks dignity. And who do we know in BOX that prides himself on this exact thing? That's right, the lovable, always entertaining Al Girard. Though Al might be a bit more friendly than the hated Iceland coach, both men do what they want, when they want, and are respected no matter what shenanigans they seem to pull.
Coach Gordon Bombay - B-Russ
Role: Drunken Lawyer; Bitter Community Service Participant; District 5 Savior; Big Shot Coach
Let's make this perfectly clear: Without Gordon Bombay and his DUI, the District 5 hockey club would probably be in shambles. Jesse Hall would probably be selling drugs, Charlie Conway would be in rehab for alcoholism, Connie Morreau would be pregant with Guy Germaine's third child, Adam Banks would still be a Hawk, and Goldberg would be an overweight McDonalds employee. The "Minnesota Miracle Man" turned everything around, though, convincing his group of outcasts that "ducks fly together". The man took a group of talentless hacks and made them champions of the world, and then got them high school scholarships. B-Russ' role in BOX is very similar to Bombay's. Without, B-Russ, BOX would struggle to function. We would be a bunch of drunks that would probably be evicted from our residency. He is the man behind the scenes, the mastermind, paying all of our bills, calling Wilson White, yelling at incompetent handymen, arranging our tailgates. Like Bombay, though, B-Russ will soon be moving on to bigger and better things (head of the USA Junior Program). What will Charlie Conway and his mates do without Bombay next year? God it won't be pretty. Unless someone like Coach O'Ryan steps up to handle our affairs.
# 00 Guy Germaine - Peter
Role: Lurker; On-and-off love affair with teammate Connie Morreau
Guy Germaine spends pretty much his entire hockey career lurking in the background. As an engineer, a lot of Peter's time is spent away from BOX doing work or something of that sort. Still, Pete and Guy can surprise you from time to time. For instance, Guy crashes through the boards when driving a zamboni. Sometimes, if Pete blacks out, you never know what he is going to do either. In this way, Pete and Guy have a lot in common. But the real similarity here is both of these men's love life. Guy Germaine spends a lot of time wooing fellow skater Connie Morreau. For as long as I've known him, Pete has had a similar-type relationship with one Rachel or another.
Hans - Ross
Role: The Wise Man
Whenever Gordon Bombay needed advice or got himself into a jam, he would turn to Hans. Ross was the Hans to BOX during his tenure in Ann Arbor. Smart, Patient, and Drunk, he was the epitome of a wise man and always seemed to have the best answers to all of life's questions. Should we drink today? Yes. Should we go to class today? No. In D3, though, Hans tragically passes away, leaving everyone sad and reminiscent of the good ole days when life was simpler. Likewise, BOX suffered the loss of Ross this year - a true blow to the morale of everyone.
# 96 Charlie Conway - Myself, Brick
Role: Captain Duck; Loyal Duck; Troubled Teen
Because it's my blog entry.
# 22 Luis Mendoza - Chris
Role: Speed-Demon
Luis Mendoza came all the way from the hockey recruiting goldmine of Miami Florida (note the sarcasm) to share with the world his wonderful ability of speed. The world was fortunate. In equal style, Chris Orr came to us from the basketball hotbed that is Kansas to show BOX and everyone else at the University of Michigan his ability of drinking. Luis likes to skate fast all the time; Chris likes to drink fast and all the time. This is what I love most about both men.
# 33 Greg Goldberg - Justin
Role: Mediocre Goalie; Convert to Defense
Justin, like Goldberg, is really just an all-around talent. Goldberg may not be the most talented of goalies, but he gets the job done. Justin may not be the drunkest of the drunks, but you can always count on him to drink with you. All in all, a great asset.
# 56 Russ Tyler - Steve
Role: Inner-City Street Hockey Legend; Knucle-Puck Inventor
Wild, crazy, all over the place, you never know where the knucle puck is going to go. This can be seen as a metaphor for Steve's drinking ability. You never know when he is going to dump a beer on a girl's head or come home from Michigan State looking like Michelangelo's paint canvas. One thing is for sure, though, just like the knuckle puck, Steve is damn funny to watch when drunk.
# ? Terre Hall -Jello
Role: Oreo Line Wing; Cut from Duck's USA Team
What is better than a blatantly racial remark in a Disney movie? I can't think of much. Jesse and Terre Hall, both black, played wingers with a white person at center, forming the unforgettable "Oreo Line". Then, unexpectedly, Jesse Hall makes Team USA, and Terry Hall is nowhere to be found. WTF? As we all know, Jello is going away next semester. Just as we all want the Oreo Line back immediately, we hope Jello and comes back ready to show his glorious drinking skills once again.
# ? Tommy and Tammy Duncan - Craig
Role: District 5 walk-ons; Cut from Team USA
Craig and the Duncans both have red hair. Just as the Duncans are on a hockey hiatus, Craig is on a drinking hiatus. But we hope that he returns soon to his once remarkable drinking form.
The Mighty Ducks. These peresevering hockey warriors captivated all of us throughout our adolescent lives. Whether it be at the wintry atmosphere of the Minnesota peewee league, the world-stage of sunny Los Angeles, or the snooty confines of prep-school Eden Hall Acadamy, these hockey heroes have taught us just how far one can go with so little talent.
So, I said to myself, what better way to pass this sober period of my life than to compare BOX to these distinguished champions. The Roster:
# 44 Fulton Reed - Paul C.
Role: Slap-shot specialist; Bash Brother
The Similarities: Fulton Reed was brought onto the District 5 hockey squad for one reason - His eye-opening, window-cracking, net-breaking slap shot. When he shoots, opposing players scramble to get out of the way. Like Fulton, Paul is a big guy renowned for one thing - his ability to smash alcohol. When you hear Paul mouth those glorious words, "Im blacking out tonight," you better watch out, just like you have to watch out for Fultons wicked shot. When the Ducks are in trouble, they go to Fulton's slap shot; If BOX had to designate a chugger in a contest, it would undoubtedly be Paul. The two are so alike its almost unreal.
#21 Dean Portman - Matt B.
Role: Enforcer; Bash Brother
In the words of Don Tibbels (to Coach Bombay), "They're called enforcers Gordon, when you play Iceland you're gonna need em". Dean Portman was recruited out of Chicago for the sole reason to go up against the bigger Iceland squad at the Junior Goodwill Games. In hockey, enforcers don't get much playing time or glory, but when they hit the ice, they sure as hell mean business. This is Matt's exact role in BOX. He may not get to drink as much as the rest of us, and he may not get much spotlight, but god almighty, when the man drinks he can do damage. Just as Dean Portman can fire up the crowd, Matt makes everyone in the house excited when he decides to go all out drinking on a particular night.
# 16 Kenny Wu - Zola
Role: The Surprise Talent
An Asian figure skater brought in to play for team America? Dammit, I thought when I saw it, Team USA's gonna be lucky to sneak past Trinidad and Tobago in the first round. I'll admit it, I was pretty skeptical about our lovely Zola coming into this school year as well. A lanky kid who wears high socks and shorts all the time? No way he's any good at drinking. Sure enough, Kenny Wu and Zola both proved the nay-sayers wrong. Kenny Wu could provide a triple-camel-half-toe whenever Coach Bombay needed and he even had a short stint as a Bash Brother; Zola has proved me wrong and, in my opinion, is one of the elite drinkers of the house. I couldn't be happier about the acquisition of Kenny or Zola, nowadays.
# 99 Adam Banks - Brett
Role: Former Hawk; Cake-Eater; Only Real Talent on Team USA; Eden Hall Varsity
Adam Banks spent much of the first film as a member of the vaunted Hawks peewee powerhouse team, lighting up scoreboards and making goalies look silly throughout the season. In other words, he was absent for much of the beginning of D-5's epic quest. In similar fashion, Brett spent much of his first year at U of M in SAMMY, failing to come into his own as our good friend really until his second and third semesters here. In addition, Banks is constantly worried about scouts in the stands, while Brett is always worried about looking his best for the ladies. Although Banks becomes a lovable member of the Ducks, he quite frankly is too good for the other lowly skaters, and he eventually makes the Varsity team at Eden Hall. Brett also Brett sometimes thinks he is too good for us living-room dwellers, citing that, "I'm not spending time in that shithole". In the end, though, even if they are "cake-eaters," they're critical to the success of their respective organizations.
# 6 Julie "The Cat" Gaffney - Andy Nev-Squad
Role: Back-up goalie
Hailing from the hockey-loving state of Maine, Julie the Cat left her Bangor team to join Gordon Bombays Team USA "to show the world what she can do". However, she spends most of her time quietly parousing the bench, backing up Goldberg, who just happens to be on a hot-streak. Like The Cat, Andy can sometimes be the quiet drunk around the house, taking a backseat to the much louder and more obnoxious drunks such as myself or Chris Orr. Despite all this, Julie the Cat has two state titles to her name. Similarly, Andy, even though you might not be able to tell at first glance, has an astounding drinking history in his past. Finally, when the big game rolls around the corner, Julie the Cat sure as hell shows up (stoning Gunner Stahl in a shoot-out to beat arch-rival Iceland). Andy shows up for the big games too; if there's a tailgate or a big party, you can count on Andy to be a loud drunk.
Coach Wolf "The Dentist" Stanson, Iceland - Alexander
Role: Lack of Dignity; Does what he wants, when he wants
The rumor mill around the Los Angeles Junior Goodwill Games has it that Wolf "got ran out of the NHL after he punched out his own coach". Worse yet, he cheap-shots Gordon Bombay in the knee during a battle over a beachball. The man clearly lacks dignity. And who do we know in BOX that prides himself on this exact thing? That's right, the lovable, always entertaining Al Girard. Though Al might be a bit more friendly than the hated Iceland coach, both men do what they want, when they want, and are respected no matter what shenanigans they seem to pull.
Coach Gordon Bombay - B-Russ
Role: Drunken Lawyer; Bitter Community Service Participant; District 5 Savior; Big Shot Coach
Let's make this perfectly clear: Without Gordon Bombay and his DUI, the District 5 hockey club would probably be in shambles. Jesse Hall would probably be selling drugs, Charlie Conway would be in rehab for alcoholism, Connie Morreau would be pregant with Guy Germaine's third child, Adam Banks would still be a Hawk, and Goldberg would be an overweight McDonalds employee. The "Minnesota Miracle Man" turned everything around, though, convincing his group of outcasts that "ducks fly together". The man took a group of talentless hacks and made them champions of the world, and then got them high school scholarships. B-Russ' role in BOX is very similar to Bombay's. Without, B-Russ, BOX would struggle to function. We would be a bunch of drunks that would probably be evicted from our residency. He is the man behind the scenes, the mastermind, paying all of our bills, calling Wilson White, yelling at incompetent handymen, arranging our tailgates. Like Bombay, though, B-Russ will soon be moving on to bigger and better things (head of the USA Junior Program). What will Charlie Conway and his mates do without Bombay next year? God it won't be pretty. Unless someone like Coach O'Ryan steps up to handle our affairs.
# 00 Guy Germaine - Peter
Role: Lurker; On-and-off love affair with teammate Connie Morreau
Guy Germaine spends pretty much his entire hockey career lurking in the background. As an engineer, a lot of Peter's time is spent away from BOX doing work or something of that sort. Still, Pete and Guy can surprise you from time to time. For instance, Guy crashes through the boards when driving a zamboni. Sometimes, if Pete blacks out, you never know what he is going to do either. In this way, Pete and Guy have a lot in common. But the real similarity here is both of these men's love life. Guy Germaine spends a lot of time wooing fellow skater Connie Morreau. For as long as I've known him, Pete has had a similar-type relationship with one Rachel or another.
Hans - Ross
Role: The Wise Man
Whenever Gordon Bombay needed advice or got himself into a jam, he would turn to Hans. Ross was the Hans to BOX during his tenure in Ann Arbor. Smart, Patient, and Drunk, he was the epitome of a wise man and always seemed to have the best answers to all of life's questions. Should we drink today? Yes. Should we go to class today? No. In D3, though, Hans tragically passes away, leaving everyone sad and reminiscent of the good ole days when life was simpler. Likewise, BOX suffered the loss of Ross this year - a true blow to the morale of everyone.
# 96 Charlie Conway - Myself, Brick
Role: Captain Duck; Loyal Duck; Troubled Teen
Because it's my blog entry.
# 22 Luis Mendoza - Chris
Role: Speed-Demon
Luis Mendoza came all the way from the hockey recruiting goldmine of Miami Florida (note the sarcasm) to share with the world his wonderful ability of speed. The world was fortunate. In equal style, Chris Orr came to us from the basketball hotbed that is Kansas to show BOX and everyone else at the University of Michigan his ability of drinking. Luis likes to skate fast all the time; Chris likes to drink fast and all the time. This is what I love most about both men.
# 33 Greg Goldberg - Justin
Role: Mediocre Goalie; Convert to Defense
Justin, like Goldberg, is really just an all-around talent. Goldberg may not be the most talented of goalies, but he gets the job done. Justin may not be the drunkest of the drunks, but you can always count on him to drink with you. All in all, a great asset.
# 56 Russ Tyler - Steve
Role: Inner-City Street Hockey Legend; Knucle-Puck Inventor
Wild, crazy, all over the place, you never know where the knucle puck is going to go. This can be seen as a metaphor for Steve's drinking ability. You never know when he is going to dump a beer on a girl's head or come home from Michigan State looking like Michelangelo's paint canvas. One thing is for sure, though, just like the knuckle puck, Steve is damn funny to watch when drunk.
# ? Terre Hall -Jello
Role: Oreo Line Wing; Cut from Duck's USA Team
What is better than a blatantly racial remark in a Disney movie? I can't think of much. Jesse and Terre Hall, both black, played wingers with a white person at center, forming the unforgettable "Oreo Line". Then, unexpectedly, Jesse Hall makes Team USA, and Terry Hall is nowhere to be found. WTF? As we all know, Jello is going away next semester. Just as we all want the Oreo Line back immediately, we hope Jello and comes back ready to show his glorious drinking skills once again.
# ? Tommy and Tammy Duncan - Craig
Role: District 5 walk-ons; Cut from Team USA
Craig and the Duncans both have red hair. Just as the Duncans are on a hockey hiatus, Craig is on a drinking hiatus. But we hope that he returns soon to his once remarkable drinking form.
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