BOX Gym

I don't know how this didn't have any coverage in the blog, but about a week and a half ago several BOX members descended upon the front yard and started working out for the pleasure of Hoover and State Streets. I know many readers will be compelled to stare at the incredible physiques of BOX, but try not to drool. The intense workout session which rivals all Barwis conditioning lasted a grueling 50 minutes.

BOX Parties/ Summertime Blues

As May is now rolling into June, and the summer continues to progress, things tend to slow down in Ann Arbor, as many people head home for the summer months. One of those departing is yours truly -- as I will be off to Chicago to try and fight the good fight of the working man for a brief while. Not only this, but several BOX associates, including two men who bravely lived at BOX for two years, will permanently leave us for the real world. So for those of us that will be forced to endure far too long a period without the bliss of drinking ourselves silly at BOX, and even for those of you chronsnakes fortunate enough to be there, I leave you with some of the greatest memories I have of my experiences at BOX parties. Hopefully these memories can get you through the summer months, until we are once again able to blackout together at the piece of crap shack that we call home.

Also, I ranked these parties on a scale of 1-5 Old Crow's (5 being the most blackout-est party), because I have nothing better to do with my life anymore.

5. 2008 Red Wings Stanley Cup. This wasn't actually a party, per se, but it was still one of my favorite nights at BOX ever. We actually did have a party for Game 5 of the '08 Cup, and everyone was ready to celebrate in the closing minutes, but Dave stupidly went out and bought the champagne before the game was over, thus jinxing the Wings and sending the series to Game 6. For game 6 there were considerably less people at the house, but the victory made it a great night. Old Crow and champagne was bought for all to enjoy, we get blackout drunk and ended up spray painting the Stanley Cup in the street on Greenwood. I hope this year ends in the exact same fashion, although I will probably be blacking out by my lonesome in Chicago if this happens.
Blackout meter: 4 out of 5 's

4. Arbor Day Party/Tree in the house It wasn't actually Arbor Day, but we'll just call it that because it resulted in a tree being cut down and put in our house. The day started innocently enough, when a few of us ventured to the Fish to watch a Michigan baseball game. Obviously, we didn't want to pay admission and we wanted to drink, so we set up camp behind the outfield fence and began drinking some 40's there. Not long after we were removed from the premises, we decided to throw a kegger at the house. Shortly thereafter, a fairly large tree was placed in our home, where it remained through the duration of the party (image courtesy of B-Russ' blog):

Blackout meter: 3 out of 5 's

3. BOX Christmas party's. As one of our staple traditions of the house, this party is always one of the best of the year. Before I moved in, the Christmas party was one of my first experiences with the house. My fond memories include Al dressed up in Christmas lights and wreaths exclusively, stocking grab-bags of shots, and enough egg-nog and peppermint patty drinks to make you do things you would regret for a long while. This year was no different, and we even had the band play in the kitchen.
Blackout meter: 5 out of 5 's

2. Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball World Series Party. Last summer I devoted far too much of my time to playing 162 games of this legendary Nintendo 64 game. So when the house's beloved Tigers, led by Ken Griffey Jr's 200 home-run season, made it to the World Series, we held a baseball-themed party. The greatness of this party was made possible by live announcing and national anthem singing by B-Russ on the microphone, champagne spraying by friends clad in Salvation army baseball uniforms, and heavy drinking to celebrate a Tigers victory.
Blackout meter: 4 out of 5 's

1. Tailgate's. If you're reading this, you probably already know the glory that is a BOX tailgate. If you don't know, well, you're missing out on life. Whether it be the heavy metal 5:30 a.m. drinking wake-up, disregarding all traffic by kicking field goals in the street, putting yourself in mortal danger by running through state street during a keg lap, dancing in the yard when the band comes, or any other general behavior that occurs, you simply can't beat a football Saturday. But you know most of this. So I'm going to share a story, which I just learned about actually, that happened during one particular tailgate. Apparently as the blackness settled upon them one fine tailgate morn, both Al and Pete decided that it was "naked hour" for the tailgate. Therefore, they stripped down to their birthday suits and went about their tailgate business while disgusted onlookers were dismayed for an entire 60 minutes. If that's not BOX, then I don't know what is.

Blackout meter: 10 out of 5's

Honorable mention: Party when Brett was so drunk he actually urinated on his lady-friend, in the middle of the party.
Blackout meter: 5 out of 5's

Enjoy your summers' chron-ductors. Drink plenty of Old Crow. Bone some ugly chicks. Make many a bad decision. Let's have many 5 out of 5's parties on the Old Crow scale next year.

New Letters

Roughly 9 days ago a gutless fraternity stole the BOX letters from our house. After confronting them about it, they still played stupid. A friend of the house identified a specific individual as the culprit; yet, we still were unable to recover the letters even after we marched over in force. Now we are forced to create new letters which will consist of a similar American flag design on one side and maize and blue colors on the other. They will be screwed into a plank so that on game days the Beta can be flipped upside down, the Omega can flipped sideways and the Chi can be flipped either way. We will thus be able to have two sets of letters. A good friend of ours and master painter can assist in the designs of our new and improved letters. BOX will have new letters within the week.

Shirts

Every year BOX makes shirts right around the commencement of tailgate season. While many possibilities have been floating around the house, next year's shirts have not been decided upon. I don't think it would be prudent of me to share the ideas on this blog right now. If you have a personal idea leave a comment with what you think the shirt should say (we probably won't use it, but who knows).

CSI Challenge Results

Yesterday, a challenge took place at BOX. The title of runner-up best drinker in the house was at stake as Brian, Brick and Peter competed in drinking ballyhoo and tomfoolery. It was determined that yours truly was the clear-cut best drinker in terms of quantity of alcohol consumed, but there was much argument as to who was next. I was deemed a fair and unbiased official and so I acted as the referee for the event.

Rules of CSI Challenge:

Each competitor must drink as many 40's of CSI as possible in a 6 hour time period. For those who do not know, 1 CSI > 8 Bud Light because CSI is a malt liquor and has 9% alcohol content.

If one vomits, he is automatically disqualified.

If one passes out, he is not disqualified, but he does run the risk of allowing other competitors to make up ground on him while he is incapacitated.

Minor penalties like knocking a bottle over or spilling were dealt with in accordance to severity and frequency with which they occurred.

Play by Play: Start Time 3:35pm EST

Brian: Brian, knowing he was perceived as an underdog, used an interesting strategy. He paced himself, but most importantly he ate only an hour before the competition started. While the competition was in full swing he ate bread and took drinks of water after every few swigs of CSI. He fought valiantly until about 7:15 when he crawled up the stairs in complete blackout and passed out onto his bed. He then rose again at 9:10 and finished what was left of the CSI that he had left behind.

Brick: As a decisive favorite for this competition, Brick's style of stamina drinking seemed to favor this sort of trial, but in the end Brick had a very disappointing day. He returned to the house at 2pm, hungover from the night before and vomited. On an empty stomach he started drinking at an unusually rapid pace and by 5:45 was passed out on the floor watching the Red Wings 1997 Stanley Cup Playoffs Highlights VHS. He was unable to continue and remained on the floor unconscious until almost 8 when he went up to his room and was not seen again.

Peter: Viewing Brick as his primary opponent, knowing that he was a better chugger than stamina drinker, Peter used a ingenious strategy. He employed an idea that if he could keep pace with Brick's stamina drinking, he could beat him in a chug race at the end. However, Brick became a non issue early in the day; this allowed Peter to surpass the passed out Brian who held the lead by the halfway point of the competition. He made a showing that stunned every competitor and witness.

Final Scores:

1st Place: Peter~3.75
2nd Place: Brian~3
3rd Place: Brick~2

The Blackness

So it's 5:15 in the morning, and I just woke up at my ex-girlfriends house with an unused condom attached to my schwang, and all I want to know is if I won yesterday. The challenge took a toll on me, and I have no recollection past about 5 o'clock yesterday, but apparently I am no lover. God damn it.

The Asian Sensation

When my naive little freshman self first arrived in the diverse land of Ann Arbor, I was shocked at the overwhelming population of Asians strolling about. If you have ever stepped foot on campus, you know that Ann Arbor is essentially the American center for the East. I was rather quick to stereotype our Eastern friends, and I assumed that for four years the only times they would effect me was either when they made the grading curve a lot worse for people like me, or if I ventured to the library or Bubble Island (both rarities). But all this changed on one fateful day last May. . . 

It was Spring term in AA, memorial day. Ross and myself had been invited to a barbeque/ day-drinking extravaganza. Seeing that the two of us lazily failed to acquire jobs, and that our sole objective for the summer was to drink our faces off, we accepted the invitation with enthusiasm. It was here that we met what you could call the Greenwood annex of BOX -- particularly Dave and Ting on that day. After a strong day-drinking session, we prepared to watch the Red Wings in playoff action during the evening: aka we continued drinking heavily as we watched the Wings annihilate their foe. Drinking continued through the night, and by the time 2:00 in the morning rolled around, most of the party-goers had made their way home. The lone stragglers were Ross, myself, Dave, and Ting. 

An immaculate friendship was born after the four of us expressed a common interest at that juncture in our lives: we all desired to continue drinking. All the campus liquor stores being closed, we procured a ride to Kroger where we promptly purchased a case of beer. Then and there, we made a vow that we could not leave the porch until the case was gone. Long after Dave had passed out in the struggle to kill the case, Ross and I were amazed as we watched Ting, a little asian fellow, match us beer for beer as the hours passed. At approximately 4:30 a.m., the case was finished. My memory seems to fade at that point, but I remember Ross and I stumbling back to the abode shocked, mystified, amazed, and jubilant at the drinking prowess of our new friend Ting.

Thus began BOX's affiliation with Greenwood, and thus began our friendship and tradition of stumbling over there while drunk. He defies the odds, puts insults to the stereotypes, and drinks heavily; Today, I salute you Ting. 

--

In other events, the Challenge will be held tomorrow, Wednesday, May 13, in the year of our Lord MMIX. Beginning at 3:30 p.m., Pete and I will battle our livers over a six hour time span in an attempt to consume far more Camo Silver Ice than is safe for normal humans. 

Broken

Being a member of this house, you come to not grow very close to anything. Many things have been intentionally destroyed in our house throughout my tenure here, particularly during drunken rages. Whether it be during tailgates, reactions to Michigan sports follies or random nights of hilarity, one can be sure not to leave anything of the utmost importance in this abode. The things that have been destroyed differs from over a dozen chairs to a computer monitor. While usually chairs are simply manhandled and torn apart in the front yard, objects like computer monitors usually favor the roof-toss or the golf club. I do my best to accumulate any expensive or inane items that I can come across for obliteration. The computer monitor which was thrown from the roof as a cop drove by during a tailgate was among my favorites (needless to say the law was less than enthused). Other items that have been annihilated include golf club to a cell phone, dvd player off the roof, broom split in half over someone's head and of course the knife throwing contest that ended up with a one being thrown through a window. These examples only enumerate a few of the things that break at BOX. There are also at least 5 holes in our walls, a broken banister, several tears in our siding, a damaged porch, a hole in the bathroom tile wall and surely other problems that I have failed to mention. You don't live in BOX for yourself; you live in BOX for America-all hail the USA.

Power to the people

So Wilson White hates us for obvious reasons, and filed a court case to evict us a few months back. Apparently they wanted us to pay for a door they didn't fix, and for dumb late charges we didn't pay, but doctor dre ain't havin that-it's like a jungle in this habitat. Anyways, after we got Gayle from Student Legal Services and called their bluff, they backed off of THEIR court case and tried to settle with us 2 months ago. If there's one thing true about Bob Loblaw, it's that he doesn't settle... except after 2 am, and this was bout 5pm on a Toosday. You don't talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw, BRING. COURT. ON. So we hear nothing from them and Brian and I decide we should make an appearance at this court hearing today just to see Wilson White get buttraped and discuss our new asian AOE strategies. Upon seeing my power michigan tie (power tie link, I mean, school spirit AND class!) they shit their pants, and immediately go to Gayle-dawg to hand her a piece of paper saying they were dropping the case. Yea, we called their bluff and won bitches. Oh and about that daily article saying Wilson White is Ann Arbor's best landlord? They probably had around 30-40 cases that day, an entire courtroom just for their company. Fairly ridiculous, they blow donkey dong. Whatever the case, they're probably still whimpering in a corner, dreaming of life when they didn't see badasses like Brian and I show up and give them the business. G's up hoes down.

It's back on

God has blessed the Box house, and provided us with the AOEIII disc. You know what that means, all day AOE sesh's for the next 3 months.

Also, we have upgraded to the War Chiefs and Asian Dynasties expansion packs. It's going to be a good summer of hanging out in my room and hosting LAN party's.

Texts to a girl

I found this on my roommates phone tonight:

Her: Are you all out or are you at White? can't get ***** to come out! Hes pocused on his keg
Him: I'm in *****'s situation too
Her: Hahah what? he keeps begging me to come over
Him: We'll go to *****'s
Her: Eh no I'm at home... way too far to walk in heels
Him: Got it.
Her: Are you mad at me for Thursday night?
Him: No that was great
Her: ??? I feel a little bit of sarcasm...
Him: None at all. I'm far to drunk to cum so your should have fun
Her: Um wow that was a bold assumption... I was just wondering...just because we hooked up doesn't mean that's always my intention
Him: Oh really! Because I really want to get coffee and talk politics. No sex ever!
Him: Actually I a huge gay. BTW.
Her: Ummm... I dont even know how to respond.. I tried to hang out and you freaked.. Don't make me out to be a ho
Him: Vaginas are icky
Her: What's your problem?
Him: I hate sex, I just want to cuddle.
Her: Ok... so you're being an ass for some reason. That's fine... enjoy yourself
Him: I'm not. It's just that I really want to talk about my feelings
Her: You're not funny... whatever you're trying to pull is just making you look like a huge ass
Him: I once dated a giant donkey. We were really close. We were going to move to Argentina together.
Her: Ok,Kewl. You're awesome.
Him: I am very awesome. What's you're name again? I hook up with alot of girls.