Today, a champion has fallen, but let us not remember how he failed, but how he won. Today, I tell the tale of the Garbage Man, and his eating challenges.
Garbage Man (GM), has always had the gift of massive caloric intake. Whenever GM received free food or was at a buffet, GM would always make sure that he took in food to the point he was just short of vomiting. It's just the kind of champ he is. Now in instances such these, GM would set little goals for himself, i.e. "Bet I can eat 5 plates of food" (Old Country Buffet), or "Bet I can finish the rest of the tray of mostocolli" (Good ol' mama GM). These were all well and good, but not official house sanctioned challenges. What really brought on the challenges was the infamous "Pizza bite challenge".
One night GM had made his usual frozen pizza and a stroke of genius hit him. Why not test the sporting side of himself while eating? The conversation went something like this:
GM- "Hey guys, you think I can eat this pizza in under 30 bites?"
Roommates- "We don't care."
GM- "I think I can!"
And so the Bite Challenge was born. Every time GM made a frozen pizza, he would count how many bites it took him to finish, but there were also rules: 1.) The pizza could not be folded or cut, and 2.) Single bites were one open and shut motion. Now keep in mind this competition and its rules were all made by GM because no roommates gave two shits about this competition, but he kept fighting the good fight. One time he even gave himself a self imposed 1-bite penalty because of a "suspect bite". That time he could have had 19 bites, but with the penalty it was 20, and it still stands as his record. Again though, one challenge starts another, and we were inspired to start eating challenges.
The Fish Stick Challenge
Roommates were sitting around drinking on a Saturday night, and previously I had seen the GM eating 20 fish sticks. I was feeling in a sporting mood, so I proposed a challenge to him.
"Garbage man, give yourself a challenge and eat the rest of that bag (100 fish sticks) tonight"
GM- "What'll you give me if I do?" (his answer to virtually 98% of requests)
Eventually we made it into a real challenge; 100 fish sticks in one hour. If he won: a fifth of bottom shelf whiskey. If he lost? Shame. Well GM didn't fail, he ate the shit out of those fish sticks in fact. I'll be damned if he didn't get blackout drunk and have sex that night, too. What a man.
Summer Sausage Challenge
Again, roommates were thinking of horrible food that would be tough for GM to eat in large quantities, and summer sausage was proposed. On this occasion, the GM had already eaten, so he was Michael Jordan, game 5 of the '97 finals. Even so, the roommates proposed that if GM at least attempted to eat 1.5 lbs of summer sausage in 30 min, he would be rewarded with a bottom shelf whiskey. This sparked the sporting man in GM, and again he accepted the challenge. At the end of the time limit he had gone through 1.2 lbs of summer sausage. Let me reiterate: The Garbage Man ate 1.2 pounds of summer sausage in 30 minutes on a full stomach. A true man amongst boys who happen to care about what enters their stomachs.
Today, the Garbage Man truly met his eating match, and spurred on this entire post. The gauntlet was finally thrown down...
The McRib Challenge
After a fair amount of negotiation over the course of a few weeks, GM accepted the terms of the McRib challenge last night:
-10 McRibs in 65 minutes,
-He would has to pay for half the McRibs if he loses
-The regular bottom shelf whiskey if he wins
-The challenge takes place in his room
-No picture-taking devices during the competition
-We must get them for him before noon today. Lets get right into it, shall we?
I walked into McDonalds with some pep in my step this morning, moseyed on up to the counter, perused the menu for a second, and said "I'll have 10 McRibs and a medium coffee."
-The woman behind the counter chuckles, "Are you serious?"
Me-"Yup"
The woman does some typing on her computer, and then calls the manager over for something, which is just about when just about every worker seems to have seen the order and each one says "10?" This is when Zola and I start getting thoroughly embarrassed. To have to sit in there, waiting for 10 McRibs with a building full of MCDONALDS WORKERS looking down on you is something I'd rather not be put through again. Nevertheless, after a short while we received 4 bags of McRibs and a coffee and we shuffled out of there.
Upon arriving home, Garbage Man was at his peak of hunger, and not 10 minutes after our arrival he dove into them. We all gathered in GM's room, turned on his HD recording of the Victoria's Secret Fashion show, and started the timer. From the outset GM far outperformed everyone's expectations-
50 seconds-1st McRib
2.5 min-2nd McRib
4 min-3rd McRib
7 min-4th McRib
At this astronomical pace every roommate thought that GM had hustled us with the rules, and we had been played for fools. He had finished 6 McRibs in 30 minutes, and we thought the real challenge would be finding something Adriana Lima could walk in that wouldn't make her look like the most attractive person on the planet. GM pooed at the 35 minute mark though and hit his wall. After lying in his bed for another 5 minutes, he officially threw in the towel, knowing that another bite of saucy McRib would surely lead to vomit. Few thought that GM would see anything but victory, but clearly Ronald Mcdonald had other plans. This surely won't be the last of the eating challenges, but it will always be the most daunting. Here's to you, oh most vile of men.
**EDIT**
How could I forget GM's first eating challenge associated with BOX? We were at the dining hall once, and after eating a full (gargantuan GM-style, i think it was on the order of 5 plates) meal, Bri-Bri offered to pay GM 5 whole bucks to eat another 5 pieces of pizza and a giant milkshake. GM took the bet, downed the food, and napped for half a day. Again, what a man.
